“Roger-dodger on flight #97 SFO 12:25 PM May 20,” my brother John wrote to me, 43 years ago. “No sweat picking you up out of the horrors of the SF airport.” There’s more, in his rapid-scrawl handwriting on a sheet of notebook paper, and I love every word of it, even though it’s not the exact letter I’d hoped to find last night, as I lifted one envelope after another out of the plastic bin in which my letters have rested, ignored, for four decades.
I pulled out every piece of mail that was addressed to me at Bates Hall, where I lived during my homesick first two years at Wellesley College. I wanted so badly to find one specific note that I knew John had written me in the spring of freshman year, when I wrote him for advice about whether I should transfer. The long New England winter was killing me. Why on earth had I even applied to a women’s college? Etcetera.
What I found instead were exactly two other letters from John: one I’d long forgotten, which he was thoughtful enough to send in September (“Have you thrown yourself to the wolves at any of the cattle shows/mixers yet?”) and then the one he sent in May, after I had written to ask if I could visit him in Berkeley on my way home to Seattle.
“Roger-dodger,” he replied. Which cracked me up, and then made me cry. Twice: when I opened it 43 years ago, and when I read it again last night.
John and I had a tough time getting along when we were kids. He was five years older, and he had a lot of perfectly sensible reasons to resent the hell out of me, the doted-upon firstborn of our mother’s second marriage. He began to lighten up when he went off to M.I.T. By the time I left for college five years later, we were tentative friends.
But what made me think of him, now, were a few things I heard at the Frye Art Museum’s recent Creative Aging Conference. Before I even got there, the very name of the event felt like a taunt. Sciatic nerve pain shooting up your leg this morning, making it hard to walk for more than five minutes? C’mon, Ann, get creative! You’re sixty, dammit!
“The pure bitch that is mortality,” began keynote speaker Wes Cecil, as I dropped with relief into my seat, is our one major “design flaw.” And yet it defines our lives. From the moment we’re born, we’re aging; at its most basic, “aging” simply means “not dead yet.”
I’m sixty, dammit. I’m having a year of physical challenges the likes of which I’ve never experienced: two foot surgeries, with this sciatic setback in between. Poor, old, aging me.
But John? His aging was stopped cold by a brain tumor at 52.
Mortality is a pure bitch. Aging is a privilege.
Cecil, an independent scholar and lecturer on philosophy and literature, went on to riff on the etymology of the word, which he said comes from an Indo-European, Sanskrit root that translates as “vitality.” Courage, for example, comes from the roots for “heart” (coeur) and “vitality” (age).
The vitality in those long-ago letters from John jumped from the page.
“The great sin” of humankind is “not loving our lives enough,” said Cecil, paraphrasing Friedrich Nietzsche. But that doesn’t mean we love our lives because they’re somehow perfect, because of course they never are. We never are. But we can love the great gift of being alive. Throughout our lives. Through all the changes and challenges and decades that we are lucky enough to get.
I heard many more good speakers at the Frye: healthy aging expert Eric Larson on resilience; 91-year-old documentary filmmaker Jean Walkinshaw, who embodies resilience; Frye curator Rebecca Albiani on artists who lived long lives and found ways to turn challenges like blindness or arthritis into new ways of creating.
But it was that notion of loving our lives—no matter how messy or exasperating or imperfect—that stayed with me. And which I will hold close on this Day of the Dead, as I remember my brother, in all his complicated, thrumming heart vitality.
Funny you should write about this. I just had a scare–an incidental finding of a nodule in my lung. Mostly probably nothing, but now needs to be followed. It’s what I have the most difficulty with at our age–seems like things are either fatal. Or nothing. My mother-in-law (also a nonsmoker) died of lung cancer a few years back, so I couldn’t help but go there. I haven’t read it yet, but I got recommended to me Who Dies by Stephen Levine. We do have the gift of aging. For me, honestly, I don’t know if I can always appreciate that gift. I tend to not appreciate what I have before me. I worry too much about what is to come.
With you, Abby. Those fears that we now have to live with: Fatal? Or nothing? It is hard work, isn’t it, to keep them in their place.
Really nice post, Ann! We can love being alive even if things are a royal pain. My dad and Michael’s mom just moved in to assisted living (not together :)) and I feel my chain of days shortening. But I’m not dead yet, and so happy not to be–
Right you are, Ann, and very well said. You write so well, weaving together many strands into a lovely whole. Sorry to hear about the sciatica, not a bit fun. Healing blessings to you.
What a lovely post Ann, thank you. I do take comfort in knowing we are all in this together. Community, supportive friends and people we love
count for a lot!